


All Roads Lead Home

by lj_todd



Category: 9-1-1 (TV), Chicago Fire
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Crossover, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Found Family, Friendship, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post Lawsuit (9-1-1), Slow Burn, Starting Over, always-a-girl!Buck, fem!Buck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27050851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lj_todd/pseuds/lj_todd
Summary: It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Buck had fought so hard to get back to the 118, to her team, her family, but all she had managed to do was ruin everything. Tired, beaten down and lost, Buck knows she can’t keep going the way she has been. Knows she needs to make a change before it’s too late. And so she does what any little sister would do. Calls her big brother for help.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Kelly Severide, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Comments: 228
Kudos: 637





	1. Chapter 1

The blaring sound of the alarm clock drifted filled the loft for a long time as Evan Buckley lay on the floor of her bedroom, staring up at the ceiling, feeling numb and exhausted and just uncaring if the continuing buzz of the alarm woke or annoyed any of her neighbours.

She had fallen from her bed after yet another night filled with nightmares and, though she knew she shouldn’t, she had just stayed on the floor. What would it matter if she was stiff and sore for her next shift? It was not like anyone would notice or even care. They hadn’t cared for six months so why would they start now? And even if they did notice she’d just be told, not for the first time, to suck it up. To stop trying to make everything about her.

_You’re so exhausting._

Buck flinched as the words danced through her mind. The sting and venom no less now than when Eddie had first flung them at her that day in the grocery store when she had just been trying to get him, to get the team, to see her side of things. To see that she was only doing what she had thought she had to in order to be back with them. She hadn’t wanted all this pain and animosity. She had just wanted to be back with them.

_You’re so exhausting._

Flinching again, Buck had to force herself to move, rolling to the side and using the edge of the bed to pull herself up, body stiff and leg aching sharply.

Turning off the alarm, she slowly sank down onto the edge of the bed, trying to find the will to get up, to get ready and go to work. And there had been a time, once, not so long ago really, when she would have been excited, eager even, to be heading into work. She would have been all but rushing to get there, wanting to start a day of saving people and making a difference and being around the people she considered her family. But that time was, she hated to admit, even to herself, long passed.

She hadn’t been out on a call with the team in months. Not since coming back. Not since the lawsuit. It was one of Bobby’s punishments.

_“My house. My rules.”_

Bobby’s words, his warning, when she’d won her lawsuit rang through her mind.

When she’d been reinstated at the 118, her captain, the man she had once seen as a father-figure, the man she would have easily, happily even, rushed into any danger for, had all but threatened her return would not come easily. That her refusal to let his belief, his letting his personal feelings for her overshadow his professionalism, go unanswered would be met with punishment.

But Buck hadn’t complained about being left behind. She didn’t complain when she was the only person left to do chores. She didn’t complain when she was belittled or insulted or, a time or two, pushed around. She held her tongue and simply, as Eddie had said, sucked it up. Even when the people treating her like garbage were the very people she’d once considered her closest friends and family. She carried it all because she wanted to earn their forgiveness.

Now she was starting to think she might never earn it.

Six months was a long time to fight for something that no one seemed willing to budge on.

Six months and she was just so tired.

Six months and she didn’t know if she had the strength left to keep fighting.

Suddenly she found she just didn’t want to keep fighting. Not today.

Without any real thought, Buck reached out for her cell phone and sent a text to Bobby.

It was the first time in six months that she had called out.

And she knew Bobby wouldn’t be happy, knew it would just give the team more ammunition against her, but after the last twenty-four hours she just couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t handle the sneers or the jeered words. She couldn’t handle knowing, deep down, that no matter what she did or said it would never be enough. She would never earn their forgiveness.

Everything reached a breaking point. Simple physics. And, she thought, she had finally reached hers.

The sound of her phone buzzing, Bobby’s name flashing across the screen, caused her to jerk and, reflexively, she went to answer the call but her finger hovered over the little green icon. What was she supposed to say to him? Sorry, Cap, I can’t come in today because I’m feeling hurt and sad and tired because my screw up turned you all against me and I don’t know how to fix it?

_Why do you always make everything about you?!_

She flinched as Maddie’s voice, the words her sister had launched at her just the night before, snarled from the darkest corner of her mind.

With a soft sound, eyes starting to prickle with tears, Buck hit the reject button.

Minutes later the phone buzzed again. Bobby’s name once again flashing across the screen. And again she rejected the call. Her phone chimed this time. A voicemail. But she couldn’t bring herself to listen to it. Couldn’t bring herself to sit there and listen to the anger, the disappointment, that she knew would be waiting.

Blinking back the tears that had started to fall, Buck found herself opening her contacts and scrolling through them until she found the name she was looking for.

She hesitated a moment, thumb hovering over the call button, and, before she could talk herself out of it, she pressed the button, slowly lifting the phone to her ear and listening as it rang. With each ring her heart tightened a little more. The tears started coming quicker. And she swore the world narrowed in until, finally…

“Evan?”

Snuffling softly, she squeezed her eyes shut at that gentle yet strong voice.

“Kel,” was all she managed to get out before a sob tumbled from her lips.

“What happened? What’s wrong, Evan?”

“I…I…” Buck hiccupped and could barely speak through the tears and sobs. “It’s…”

“Evan, what’s going…”

“Help…” Buck slipped off the edge of the bed, sinking to the floor, curling in on herself. “I…I need _help_ …I can’t do this anymore…Kelly…Kelly I can’t… _please_ …I…I…”

Buck heard him say something to whomever he was with, something about a plane ticket and time off and then he was speaking to her again.

“It’s gonna be okay, Evan, you hear me? It’s gonna be okay. I’m coming. I’m coming now. Just…Just hang for me, okay? Just hang on a little longer. I’ll be there soon as I can.”

“Kel…”

She hadn’t meant for him to drop everything and come out to Los Angeles. She had just wanted to talk to him. To maybe have him talk some sense into her. He’d always been good at that.

“I’m coming to Los Angeles, Evan,” he said again, firmly, in a tone that said he wouldn’t be swayed, not now. Not after she’d called him and then fallen apart before she could even properly talk to him. “I’m coming and we’re gonna work this out, Evan. I promise. It’s gonna be okay.”

Buck sobbed and might have murmured something close to a thanks but she wasn’t certain.

She wanted so badly to believe him.

But how could anything be okay when everything felt so wrong?


	2. Chapter 2

Kelly Severide was in a right furious mood.

Ever since he’d gotten the call from Buck he had been like a string pulled taut. Ready to snap at the slightest provocation.

Waiting for the flight out of O’Hare had tried his patience in a way nothing had in a very long time and then there had been the flight. Nearly four and a half hours seated next to some salesman who couldn’t read a room to save his life and had droned on and on to Kelly about life insurance or health insurance or some sort of insurance. Kelly couldn’t remember and, honestly, he hadn’t quite cared. His thoughts just kept circling the same thing the entire flight.

He kept hearing how Buck had sounded as she had cried into the phone, asking, no, _begging_ , for his help.

_“I…I need_ help… _I can’t do this anymore.”_

Kelly had no idea what had caused Buck, once so vibrant and full of light and love and optimism, to sound so broken, so lost, but he knew it had to have something to do with whatever had been going on since she’d returned to work at the 118 station.

He didn’t have the full story, didn’t even have more than snippets really, but he knew, from the way she would dodge his questions about work or her friends, that things had been rough since her return to work. He knew because, before, Buck had always talked so animatedly, so warmly, about her friends, her family as she considered them.

He couldn’t count the number of stories he’d heard about them all. How clear Buck had made it that she loved them all without even saying the words. But in the last six months all of that had slowly stopped. And he knew it was because Buck didn’t like burdening others with her problems. She’d help anyone, with anyone, give all that she had until there was nothing left to give, but getting her to open up, to let herself be helped was no easy task. They were a lot alike in that way.

By the time he made it to LAX, by the time he was through security and at the curb, catching a cab, he was half tempted to tell the cab driver the address to the 118 fire station, which he may have Googled during the flight, rather than Buck’s apartment. He wanted to go and see the place that had mattered so much to Buck that she’d filed a damn lawsuit to try and get back to it. He wanted to confront the people there who were supposed to have her back, supposed to be her friends, and instead had clearly left her alone and festering with the pain that, finally, had forced her to reach out to him.

A voice in the back of his mind, a voice that sounded far too much like Shay, talked him out of that.

Confronting the 118 crew, while it would satisfy his protective instincts, he knew wouldn’t help Buck.

And that was where his head needed to be right now.

Helping Buck.

So he rattled off the address for Buck’s apartment.

During the drive he texted her, telling her he was on his way and then, once the cab pulled up outside her building, he texted again, just to let her know he was there, he was on his way up. Paying the driver, telling him to keep the change, Kelly grabbed his bag and all but bolted out of the car, sprinting into the building. The elevator seemed to take forever, though he knew that was just him, his need to get to Buck _now_ , the need to see her, to hold her in his arm, the need to make sure she was okay, at least physically, pumping through him like a second heartbeat.

Once he was finally in front of Buck’s door he took barely a moment before knocking.

He didn’t have to wait long for the door to open and, when it did, he couldn’t help but swear. Loudly.

Buck looked thin, thinner than usual, the sort of thin that meant she wasn’t really taking care of herself, and the skin beneath her eyes was dark, suggesting lack of sleep and proper diet, while her eyes, those ever bright and expressive eyes were dull and puff from crying.

He wanted to kill whoever was responsible for her tears.

“Kelly,” she barely whispered his name, voice just as broken in person as it had been on the phone, and it spurred him into moving.

Dropping his bag just inside the door, he moved, wrapping her up in a hug, holding her close, holding her tight, even as she began to sob. She clung to him, face buried against his chest as one of his hand rubbed over her back, the other cradling the back of her head as he gently rocked her. He manoeuvred them just far enough from the doorway to kick the door shut, uncaring if the slam disturbed any of her neighbours, his entire focus had narrowed to nothing but the trembling, sobbing woman in his arms.

“It’s okay,” he whispered against her ear, still rocking, swaying really, back and forth, knowing she had to get this out before she could talk to him. Before she could explain what the hell had gotten so bad that she’d reached out to him.

“It’s okay, Evan. I got you. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. _I got you_.”

Kelly didn’t know how long they stood there, and he didn’t really care, but, eventually, Buck’s sobbing became quiet little sniffles and hiccups and then she was just standing there, leaning against him. He kept rocking her the entire time. Kept murmuring promises into her ear. Promising it would be okay. Promising to take care of her. Promising things he had promised many times, whenever Buck had needed to hear it most, over the years. It had been a long while since he’d last had to make those promises, not since Darden’s death, not since she had chosen to leave Chicago for Los Angeles. But he still meant them and he would do everything in his power to keep them.

With a deep breath, Kelly lifted Buck off her feet, carrying her to the couch where he settled easily, still holding her against him, and when her sobs became quiet sniffles, when her fingers began carefully twining with the chain of his Saint Christopher pendant, he pressed his cheek to the top of her head.

“You ready to talk now?”

Buck let out a low sound and slowly leaned back, away from him, reaching up to wipe the lingering tears from her eyes and, reacting on reflex, Kelly reached out to wipe away a stray teardrop that lingered on her cheek. It made her give a watery smile, shaky and cracking at the edges, but a smile all the same.

“I…” She hiccupped slightly and fresh tears shone in her eyes. “I messed up…and I don’t know how to…how to…fix it.”

“Messed up how?”

“The lawsuit…” Buck looked away from him, as though afraid he would judge her because, clearly, everyone else in her life had. “I just…all I wanted was my job…my family…back but…but they don’t see it that way. I’m just the exhausting traitor they have to suffer now.”

Kelly stiffened.

_Exhausting traitor_.

The phrase was too specific to just be an offhand comment.

Someone had said that about her. _To her._ Someone had said that and not realized that every dig, every insult, only fed into her insecurities. Or maybe, the vicious, angry, protective part of him hissed. They knew exactly what they were doing.

“Evan…”

“I…I did everything…I’ve apologized…” Buck hiccupped again and the tears started to fall once more. “Over and over and over again. I…I do all the chores…everything I’m told…I don’t complain. I _suck it up_ and…and it’s still not enough. They _hate_ me, Kelly, and…and I deserve it…that stupid lawsuit…”

“You do not deserve their abuse,” Kelly cut in quickly, sharply, refusing for even a second to let her talk that way. “The lawsuit was stupid, no lie there, but you had every right to fight for your job. You were cleared medically, you told me you set records recertifying, Evan, and, yeah, the blood thinners might limit what you can do in the field, but your Captain went behind your back to keep you out of that house and from the job you were born to do.”

“I’m not on the blood thinners anymore.”

The quite admission was news to Kelly.

“What?”

“Doctor took me off them two weeks ago. Nobody knows.” She snuffled. “Nobody would care.”

“Hey.” Kelly cupped her chin and forced her to lift her head and meet his gaze. “ _I_ care. That’s amazing news, Evan.”

Buck shrugged.

“I guess.”

“Evan…”

“Bobby’s never going to let me back on the truck, even off the blood thinners,” Buck said bitterly. “ _His house. His rules._ And the new number one rule is that I’m not part of the team. Not really. Not in anyway that really counts.”

Kelly frowned.

“Those his words? It being his house and his rules?”

Buck gave a jerky nod, looking hurt and angry in equal measures but, not surprisingly, the hurt was winning out.

“The department let me back but he…he’s still doing everything to keep me out. Last time at least I didn’t know about it until he threw it in my face while saying it was because he _cared about me_.”

Buck scrubbed a hand over her face.

“And the team…the team take cues from him. He’s our captain. And they’re…I almost wish he would have just transferred me.”

“Evan…”

“I can’t keep pretending everything’s okay.” Buck’s admission was quiet and Kelly knew that it had likely taken every ounce of her willpower to make the admission. He was proud of her for it but also heartbroken and furious that she had to do it in the first place. “I…I called out because…because I just can’t keep doing this, Kelly. I can’t…”

Kelly reached up, brushing her hair back, tucking the curls behind her ear.

“Then tell me what you want to do,” he replied softly, gently, knowing that whatever she decided to do he would support. She needed someone in her corner and he would be that someone. Always. “What do you, Evan Buckley, want?”

Buck shook her head, fresh tears starting to shine.

“It’s not that simple, Kel.”

“Right now it is.” He cupped her cheek. “Just tell me, as your big brother, what do you want?”

The tears spilled down her face and she sobbed softly.

“I want friends…a family…again,” she whispered, tears dripping off her chin. “I want…I want…want not to hurt every time someone I care about looks at me. I want…” She hiccupped. “I want…”

A broken noise fell from her lips and Kelly immediately drew her into a tight embrace once more, rocking her gently as, between the sobs and hiccups, she gave voice to her deepest want.

“I want to come home, Kelly. I want to come home.”


	3. Chapter 3

Kelly waited until Buck, who was clearly exhausted and no doubt hadn’t been sleeping well, had dozed off on the couch, before he stepped out into the kitchen to call Matt, who, not surprisingly, picked up on the second ring.

“Tell me she’s okay, Sev.”

Matt’s tone was fierce and protective and it made Kelly’s heart warm. Matt had always looked on Buck like a kid sister, had kept such careful watch over her during her first year as a firefighter, and knowing that, if given even half the chance, Matt would be on the next flight to Los Angeles helped calm Kelly. It helped remind him that he wasn’t the only one in Buck’s corner.

“Physically she could probably stand to put on a little weight,” Kelly said, gaze fixing on Buck, who twitched in her sleep but otherwise did not stir. “Mentally…”

His pause was long enough that Matt let out a low, angry sound, muttering a vicious curse under his breath and Kelly winced as he heard a door slam. The door to Matt’s bunk no doubt.

“How bad is it,” Matt asked, still sounding so angry but clearly trying to hold on to some shred of calmness. “And don’t sugar coat it, Sev.”

Kelly, still watching Buck, sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face.

“Bad. Like when Andy died.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

Kelly sighed again.

“I hate seeing her like this,” he continued. “I hate feeling like there’s nothing I can do for her.”

“You’re already doing more for her right now by being there than you probably know, Sev.”

“Doesn’t feel that way.”

“Sev…”

“You have no idea how badly I want to put my fist in her captain’s face, Matty. Like…I’m half tempted to call a cab or an Uber or something and go down to the 118 right now.”

“What’s stopping you?”

“Evan.” Kelly heaved a deep sigh and shook his head. “Even as hurting as she is, even after she spent like twenty minutes crying and dancing around telling me what’s been going on, I know she wouldn’t want me to turn things physical.” 

“Has she said what she _does_ want?”

“Yeah,” he answered quietly. “Yeah, she…she wants to come home.”

“I’ll talk to Boden.”

No hesitation. No question if Buck wanting to come home meant Chicago and the 51. Just an immediate plan of action. It was unlike Matt not to think things through for at least a few minutes. Rushing headlong into stuff without looking was more Kelly’s thing. Not that his first thought after hearing his sister’s quiet admission hadn’t been identical to Matt’s declaration now but he’d at least decided to wait and talk things out with Buck first before going to the Chief.

“Matt…”

“I’ll talk,” Matt repeated, voice firm and determined and damn if it didn’t make Kelly smile to hear that refusal to be swayed. “To Boden.”

“What if Buck says she doesn’t want to come back to 51?”

“Then we’ll at least have the door open for another fire house. But do you really think if she comes back to Chicago she’s going to want to be anywhere but 51?”

Kelly couldn’t help the way he smiled.

“You just want her back on Truck with you,” he teased and his smile grew as Matt laughed.

“Well it’s that or let you knuckleheads on Squad have her? What a waste that would be.”

Kelly chuckled and glanced at Buck, finding she had curled into a ball but, for now at least, seemed to be sleeping peacefully.

“Guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.”

“Guess so,” Matt replied as, in the background, the alarm blared, calling for Ambo and Truck. “Shit, sorry, I got to…”

“I know,” Kelly said, refusing to let Matt apologize for having to do his job. “Stay safe out there, yeah?”

“Always. I love you, Sev.”

“Love you more, Case.”

Hanging up, Kelly tucked his phone in his pocket. He glanced around the apartment, taking stock, noting how clean and neat it was despite the fact that, by Buck’s own admission, it had been months since she’d last had company. Likely a mix of habit and hope. Hope that her so called friends, the people she had viewed as her family in Los Angeles, would eventually forgive her and things would go back to the way they had been. It broke his heart to know she had finally run out of that hope.

Drawing a deep breath, Kelly shrugged his jacket off, draping it over one of the fancy looking stools by the kitchen island, before making his way towards the stairs that led to the loft to check things out there, thinking if the bed was ready he’d come back down and collect his sister to at least put her somewhere more comfortable to sleep. He couldn’t say he was surprised by the sight that greeted him.

While the lower half of the apartment was immaculate, the loft was a disaster zone.

Clothes discarded haphazardly and the bed looked like it hadn’t been made in days, if not weeks.

Kelly felt his heart clench painfully as he took in the chaos and quickly realized this was true representation of his sister’s emotional and mental state.

Glancing over his shoulder, hearing the quiet, adorable snore that Buck let out, he gave a crooked grin before turning and setting to work. He worked his way around the room, gathering the clothes, nose wrinkling at the smell of some of them, ducking into the bathroom, thankful that Buck had gone for a place with a washer and dryer, sorting and tossing stuff into the machine to wash while he went back out to deal with the bed.

The comforter and top sheet were tangled and tossed over to one side and came free with a gentle tug. He had just reached for the fitted sheet when, from where it lay on the floor, the screen of Buck’s phone lit up and the ding of a text notification sang out.

Hesitating, glancing towards the stairs, and knowing he probably shouldn’t, Kelly set the bedding aside and reached down for the phone.

Not surprisingly Buck still didn’t have a passcode on her phone and as he swiped to unlock he made a mental note to have a talk with her, again, about that.

There were, Kelly found, several missed calls from a contact labelled _Bobby_ but the text that had just come in was from Maddie. His thumb hovered over the text bubble for a moment, knowing Buck would be pissed at him snooping through her phone, but he would handle that storm when it came, before tapping the bubble and bringing up the thread. It seemed Maddie had been trying to get in touch with their sister for a while. He scrolled back to the first one she had sent that morning so he could have a full grasp of the situation.

_From: Maddie_   
_Chim msg’d me. Said u called out. Txt me back._

_From: Maddie_   
_On break so txt me when u get this._

_From: Maddie_   
_R u okay? Did u go to a doctor? Is that why ur not answering?_

_From: Maddie_   
_Getting worried. Please, Buck, txt me. Or call. Just want to know ur ok._

_From: Maddie_   
_Are you ignoring me cuz of last night?_

_From: Maddie_   
_Honestly, Buck, if ur doing this to get back at me it’s really childish even 4 u._

Kelly quickly thumbed out of the message thread, having seen enough. Maddie’s concern had quickly dwindled just because Buck hadn’t replied to her. Hadn’t Maddie considered that Buck might be really sick? That maybe she couldn’t answer? What if something had been seriously wrong? Would Maddie have even cared or would she have just continued to think that Buck was being _childish_?

Grinding his teeth, Kelly tapped back to check the message feeds from Buck’s other friends. Finding that, though Buck had reached out, numerous times over the past six months, the responses had either been brief and biting or, in one case, nonexistent. The thread for Eddie just cut off around the same time as Buck’s ill conceived lawsuit. She had reached out. Over and over again. But the last message she had sent was almost four months ago. A last attempt to reach out, to try and mend the bridge, and it was the only one that bore a response.

_From: Eddie_   
_Go fuck yourself, Buckley_

Kelly felt that cold spike of anger, that desire to call for a cab or an Uber and go down to the 118 to give them hell. And he had to take several deep breaths to try and calm himself.

Sinking down on the edge of the bed, Kelly debated what to do, how to talk to Buck about all of this. God, he wished Shay or Matt were with him. They’d know just what to say. They’d know what to do.

“Kelly?”

His head snapped up and he found Buck standing at the top of the stairs, frowning, watching him.

“Evan, I…”

“Guess you know how everybody feels about me now,” she said quietly, glancing at her phone in his hand and then back up to his face.

“I don’t care how they feel about you,” Kelly said as he stood swiftly, Buck’s phone abandoned on the bed, moving to pull her into his arms. “I care about you. Only you.”

Buck hugged him and, as her shoulders trembled, he thought she might start crying again but then she pulled back, giving a weak smile as she reached up to cup his cheek.

“Always taking care of me,” she said softly and Kelly chuckled, gently knocking his knuckles to the underside of her chin.

“That’s what a big brother is supposed to do, Evan.”

That got a laugh out of her, just a quick burst, but Kelly would take it.

“You should probably call Maddie,” he said gently, not surprised when Buck’s mood turned morose once more. “She sent quite a few texts.”

Buck huffed and shook her head, glancing at where her phone lay.

“Did she say I’m making everything about me?”

“Has she done that?”

Buck shrugged.

“From time to time.” She sighed and stepped around Kelly to sit on the bed, picking up her phone to check the messages herself. Huffing quietly. “Guess today I’m just being childish. Nice to know where I stand.”

“Evan…”

“We had a fight last night,” Buck said as though guessing what Kelly was going to ask. “Me and Maddie. We were supposed to be having our weekly sisters night, the first one we’ve had in a while because she…she was always cancelling or rescheduling and…and it just…” She huffed and shrugged. “It went south.”

“What happened?”

Kelly moved to sit next to her and Buck look down at her phone, at the message from Maddie accusing her of being childish.

“I…I tried to tell her what’s been going on.” Buck looked up at him. “I just…I needed to let it all out…to have someone just _listen_ without judgement and then Maddie…well…Maddie either didn’t want to hear it or just doesn’t care because one minute I’m spilling my heart to my big sister and the next we’re yelling and screaming at one another.”

Kelly rested his hand on her arm even as Buck felt a stray tear glide down her face. A tear she hurriedly brushed away.

“Said a lot of awful stuff I…I didn’t even mean,” Buck admitted quietly. “I told her that she only cared about her relationship with Chim and that…and that just like with everyone else I was just an afterthought to her. That I’d…I’d always been an afterthought.” She gave a humourless laugh. “And that’s when she said…well screamed actually… _Why do you always make everything about you_ and I…I don’t know. It’s like everything went numb and I…I just couldn’t be there anymore. So I left.”

“Tell me you at least slammed the door dramatically?”

Buck laughed and Kelly grinned, wrapping his arm around her, tucking her against his side even as he pressed a kiss to her hair.

“Honestly,” she was still laughing softly. “I have no idea.”

Kelly’s grin widened a bit and he pressed another kiss to her hair.

“I don’t care what Maddie says,” he said gently. “You do not make everything about you.”

“Kelly…”

“You don’t.” Kelly gave her a little shake. “You give so much of yourself to others that they don’t even realize they’re taking too much. It’s not selfish to want to call attention to your hurt, Evan. It’s not _making everything about you_ to want someone to just stop and listen and try to understand your point of view.”

Buck huffed softly and turned her head to look at Kelly and had just opened her mouth to speak but they both jerked in surprise when her phone suddenly rang.

Looking down, Buck’s eyes widened in surprise at the name flashing across the screen and she shot Kelly a look, causing him to lift his hands and shake his head but his grin told her he knew something. Drawing a deep breath she accepted the call even as a tiny smile started to spread across her face.

“Hey, Boden.”

A deep, familiar chuckle came over the line and Buck’s heart ached but, for the first time in oh so long, that ache wasn’t painful. It was warm and happy. Because that chuckle brought back so many good, happy memories.

“Hey, Buckley.” Boden’s voice was calm and gentle and it made fresh tears prickle her eyes. “I hear we might need to talk.”

Buck chuckled wetly, scrubbing at her eyes as she glanced at Kelly, who merely smiled, rubbing his hand over her back.

“Yeah,” she replied. “Yeah, I think we do, Chief.”


	4. Chapter 4

Wallace Boden sat in his office, silently, contemplating, long after his call with Evan Buckley.

It hadn’t been difficult to tell something was going on. He had always been able to read his firefighters pretty well and, even if Buck hadn’t been part of his house for nearly three years, Buck was still, in his mind and heart, one of his and he knew her voice well enough to pick out the little ticks. The hints of pain she tried to hide because she hated burdening anyone. She would take the weight of the world on her shoulders if it meant helping others but the moment she should have been leaning on someone, reaching for help herself, she closed off and tried to pretend everything was okay.

Boden liked to think, after knowing Buck for as long as he had, he could see through that crap. And tonight’s phone call with her had not changed his mind.

It hadn’t taken much to get her to open up and, listening to her describe the last six months, and the weeks of her ill planned lawsuit, Boden had been tempted to open a complaint into the 118 and it’s Captain himself.

He understood the people there had undoubtedly been hurt and angry when Buck had filed her ill planned lawsuit but to turn on her like they had, for their captain to allow it, for him to be _part of it_ , he just couldn’t accept that. If the captain was that angry over what had happened then he should have transferred Buck out of his house not kept her around as a punching bag.

Huffing softly, Boden grabbed his phone and, glancing at the piece of paper Connie had brought to him, dialled.

The phone rang and he drummed his fingers on his desk as he waited.

And then the call was answered.

“Fire Chief Anthony Torres.”

“Chief Torres,” Boden said as he leaned back in his chair. “Battalion Chief Wallace Boden out of Chicago, I was hoping you might have a moment to speak with me.”

“Of course, Chief Boden,” Torres said, sounding quite friendly. “What can I do for you?”

“I’m calling about one of your firefighters, Evan Buckley, she’s currently stationed at the 118.”

**_oOoOoOo_ **

An hour later and Boden was, for lack of a better term, stewing.

His call with Chief Torres had not gone as expected.

He had pushed for Buck’s transfer, even citing the fact that he’d already spoken with her and she was more than eager to return to Chicago and 51, but Torres was, it felt, hesitant, to sign off on the transfer. The man hadn’t come right out and said he refused to do it but there had been something in the way he spoke that gave Boden the idea that getting Buck transferred out of Los Angeles and back to Chicago would not be easy. If it could be done at all. Which meant that, in all likelihood, the easiest way to get Buck back under his command was for her to resign in Los Angeles and reapply in Chicago.

Frowning, Boden quickly turned to his computer, sending off an email to Tiberg to enquire about Buck’s odds of avoiding retaking the academy. She was already certified, several times, as a firefighter and, be it by resignation or transfer, she should not have to prove herself capable again.

Once the little _SENT_ icon flashed across the screen, Boden grabbed his phone, scrolling easily to Buck’s name and pressing the call button. It rang a handful of times before, surprisingly, Kelly answered.

“Hey, Chief.”

“Severide,” Boden frowned, worry suddenly spiking through him. “Where’s Buck? Is she…”

“She’s fine, Chief, really,” Kelly was quick to reassure though he was speaking quietly. “I just finally got her to eat something and lay down for a bit. Do I need to wake her up? Did the transfer clear already?”

Boden sighed.

“No. No, it hasn’t.” He scrubbed his hand along his jaw. “And I get the distinct impression that Chief Torres is going to be dragging his heels something fierce on this.”

“What? Why?”

Kelly sounded equal parts confused and angry. Never, in Boden’s experience, a good combination when it came to the man.

“I’m not sure, Kelly,” Boden said, hearing the quiet inhale, knowing his purposeful use of the man’s given name had had the desired effect. “It’s just a feeling. My advice? Get Buck to talk to Torres in person and see if she can’t get him to open up about why the hell he seemed so hesitant to green light her transfer to 51.”

“Yeah. Yeah, will do, Chief.”

“Good.” Boden nodded and drew a deep breath. “One more thing, can you be objective enough not to get into a fight with any of her house should things go sideways out there?”

Kelly hesitated long enough that Boden already knew the answer and immediately he began formulating a plan to help prevent his headstrong Lieutenant from doing anything stupid.

“Alright, Kelly,” Boden said with a huff of breath that wasn’t quite a sigh but close enough. “Just make sure to take care of our girl and, with any luck, the both of you will be back in Chicago sooner.”

“Will do, Chief.”

Hanging up, Boden drew a deep breath and weighed his options before glancing towards the door.

“Connie!”

It took mere seconds for her to appear.

“Chief?”

“Can you get Herrmann in here for me?”

Connie smiled in that knowing way of hers and nodded before walking away.

Scrolling through his phone, Boden found the contact he was looking for, knowing it was likely the only person aside from Buck whom Kelly would listen to and, without a second thought, pressed the call button.


	5. Chapter 5

Buck woke to the wonderful smell of pancakes and quietly playing music and, for a moment, one blissful moment, all was right with the world.

She laid there for a few minutes longer, eyes closed, soft smile gracing her face, and listened to the music, tapping her fingers against the pillow in time to the beat before finally rolling onto her back and stretching as she opened her eyes, blinking against the sunlight streaming through the crack in the curtains. Drawing a deep breath, she glanced at the alarm clock, surprised to discover that not only had she slept without nightmares for the first time in ages but that it was in fact the next morning.

Drawing another deep breath, she sat up and ran her hands through her hair.

Glancing at the alarm clock she winced.

She was late for work. Over an hour late. And she hadn’t called out. Bobby was going to be pissed.

But what else was new?

Grumbling under her breath, Buck kicked the blanket away and climbed to her feet. She knew, in all likelihood, there was no way Kelly was letting her walk into 118 alone. Not to face whatever storm would be waiting for her. And she would not put Kelly in that position. She knew him too well. The first bit of abuse, hell the first offhand comment, would cause him to blow up and she did not want him getting into any sort of trouble that would jeopardize his job or his rank.

Drawing a deep breath, Buck slowly made her way down from the loft, smiling again and nearly laughing when she caught sight of Kelly in the kitchen, swaying to the music and wearing the neon pink apron she’d gotten last Christmas from Bobby. Snickering to herself, Buck made her way to the kitchen, clearing her throat and she stepped up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist even as she tucked her head in the space between his shoulders.

“Hey,” she felt him chuckle as he spoke. “Good morning.”

“Hmm.” Buck smiled as she turned her head, resting her cheek against Kelly’s back. “Morning.”

“Your phone’s been going crazy,” Kelly said, flipping a pancake from the pan to the plate by the stove.

Buck hummed noncommittally and glanced to where her phone was sitting on the counter.

“Evan,” Kelly said her name softly, his tone familiar though, and Buck hugged him a little tighter.

“Alright.” She drew a deep breath, slowly slipping away from him. “Alright, I’ll check it.”

Her hand shook only slightly when she picked up her phone, thumbing it open and finding that Kelly hadn’t been exaggerating. Dozens of unread texts and several missed phone calls all from Bobby. The last of the texts showed neatly in the little white notification bubble sitting across the screen.

_From: Bobby_   
_Where are you?_

She cringed and considered how best to answer that.

“I can smell the smoke,” Kelly’s comment caused her to look up, Bobby’s message momentarily forgotten. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I don’t know what to tell my Captain.”

Kelly frowned as he reached out, turning the burner off, setting aside his spatula before turning to face her.

“What do you want to tell him?”

Buck chewed on her lip for a moment, looking back down at Bobby’s message, before letting out a quiet sigh and then meeting Kelly’s gaze again.

“I don’t know,” Buck admitted quietly. “That I’m leaving? That I can’t stay because every time I walk into that firehouse I’m ready to shake right out of my skin because being there feels like walking through a minefield?” She laughed humourlessly and shook her head. “Or how about I tell him that every time he looks at me it’s like every time Benny looked at me? Like I’m completely worthless and only around because he has no choice?”

“Evan.”

“It’s fine.” Buck shook her head again and looked back at her phone. “I’ll just…I’ll tell him I had to spend the night at the hospital or something. He’ll believe that. I’ve spent more time in hospital than out in the last year anyways.”

She tapped Bobby’s message, pretending not to see the look Kelly gave her, and typed out a quick message.

_To: Bobby_   
_Srry. Kept nite @ hosp. Hmwrd. Be in tmrw._

She sent the message and then set her phone down.

“There. Done.”

Kelly gave her a look but then shook his head before reaching out and pulling her into a tight hug, kissing her temple before guiding her towards one of the stools.

“Aright, sit, eat, and then I will tell you what Boden found out last night.”

Buck’s head snapped around quickly.

“What? Did he get a transfer through already?”

Kelly sighed as they sat and he passed a plate to Buck.

“No.” He saw the disappointment dance across her face and he reached out to give her arm a reassuring squeeze. “Hey, look…I wanted to wait to talk about this but clearly should have started with it. Boden, he…uh…he said that Chief Torres seemed to be hesitant to green light a transfer.”

Buck frowned, confused and angry in equal measure.

“What…Did he say why he thought that? What did Torres say that…”

“I don’t know,” Kelly was quick to cut her off before she could tumble down the rabbit hole. “Boden said maybe we could try and get you in to talk to Torres and see what’s going on. Might help the process.”

Buck still did not look convinced, still looked upset, and just as Kelly went to speak, her phone rang, startling them both.

Frown deepening, Buck grabbed up her phone, eyes widening slightly and she glanced briefly at Kelly before answering the call.

“Buckley.”

“Firefighter Buckley, this is Chief Anthony Torres. I know you’re likely on shift but I was hoping you might be able to make it into my office this morning for a meeting.”

Buck’s heart began to hammer against her ribs but she drew a steadying breath.

“Of course, Chief. Give me a time and I’ll be there.”

“Excellent. Does ten o’clock work for you, Buckley?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. I’ll see you then.”

“Yes, sir.”

Buck hung up and stared at her phone before looking up at Kelly.

“Guess I’m getting that meeting with Torres,” she said as she settled back on her stool.

“That’s a good thing, Evan,” Kelly said gently, hoping he wasn’t wrong, hoping that they could get everything sorted out and get back to Chicago sooner, rather than later.

**_oOoOoOo_ **

A few hours later and Buck felt like she was going to crawl out of her skin she was so nervous.

Sitting in the waiting area outside Chief Torres office, even with Kelly beside her, felt like waiting outside the principal’s office.

She nearly jumped out of her skin when, suddenly, Kelly’s hand folded over her knee, stopping her nervous leg bouncing which, until that moment, she hadn’t even realized it was happening until that moment.

“You got to relax,” Kelly said quietly, giving her knee a gentle squeeze. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

Buck shook her head.

“You don’t know that,” she muttered, suddenly feeling itchy and uncomfortable in her uniform. “He could outright deny me a transfer and then what, Kelly? Huh? What then?”

“You quit.” Kelly said it so matter-of-factly and Buck shot him a sharp look. “Don’t look at me like that. You asked what you do if this guy won’t give you a transfer and I’m giving you an answer. Hell, I got people back in Chicago owe me a few favours and I can probably get you back into 51 without having to do the Academy. Might take a touch longer to get you on Squad but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.”

Buck couldn’t help but smile just slightly and she laid her hand over Kelly’s, lacing their fingers just as the door to Torres’ office opened and the Chief stepped partially out.

“Firefighter Buckley?”

Buck hurriedly stood, Kelly following her lead.

“Yes, Chief.”

Torres nodded and gestured to his office.

“Come on in.”

Buck sighed and, with Kelly close behind, stepped into the office.

Torres closed the door behind them and waved a hand towards the chairs in front of his desk.

“Please, take a seat, Firefighter Buckley and…”

“Lieutenant Severide, Chief,” Kelly introduced himself, grinning a touch at the surprise on Torres face. “I’m a member of the Chicago Fire Department. I lead Squad 3 at Station 51.”

“Ah,” Torres said with a nod. “I see Chief Boden is serious enough about this transfer to send in reinforcements.”

Kelly didn’t respond to that, just kept grinning as he and Buck took their seats while Torres stepped around his desk and settled in his own.

“Alright,” Torres said once settled. “Now, Firefighter Buckley, I have spoken with Chief Boden and I understand you’re interested in a transfer but I do have some questions I’d like to get cleared up first.”

“Of course, Chief,” Buck replied with a nod. “I’m an open book.”

Torres nodded and opened a desk drawer, pulling out a folder and laying it on the desk.

“Alright,” he said, flipping the folder open. “Can you explain, Firefighter Buckley, the nearly two dozen complaints I have received over the last few weeks from the 118.”

Buck blinked and glanced at Kelly, who was now frowning and leaning forward with clear intent.

“I…Chief, I…” Buck cleared her throat and shook her head, nerves suddenly all over the place again. “Sir, I wasn’t aware of any complaints put against me. My union rep never…”

Torres was suddenly waving his hand.

“I’m sorry, Firefighter Buckley,” he said quickly, turning the folder to show her the contents more clearly. “The complaints do concern you but they are not _about_ you.”

Buck frowned and picked up the folder, slowly going through the complaints, surprised that several were not anonymous but clearly from members of second and third shift. All complaints cited incidents of aggressive and abusive behaviour directed towards her. And every single complaint was filed against a member of her team. Most of them against Bobby. And each one of the ones against him included failure of leadership.

“I…” Buck shook her head and looked up slowly. “I never asked them to…I…I wouldn’t have asked…”

“You shouldn’t have to ask,” Torres said gently, watching how Buck’s hands trembled slightly, it was a fine thing, so easy to miss, but he saw it. “Firefighter Buckley, you should _never_ have to ask and you should _never_ have to suffer abuse of any kind. Especially not from your superior.”

Buck swallowed and looked down at the complaint forms she was still holding, still unable to believe that anyone from the other shifts had actually done this. She flipped to another complaint and stilled. Captain Richards of third shift. He was a good man. An excellent Captain. She’d worked with him once when she’d covered for one of his regular crew members and to see he’d filed a complaint on her behalf made her heart skip.

“Chief, I…”

“What I can’t seem to wrap my head around, Buckley,” Torres continued. “Is why you never brought any of this forward yourself.”

Buck glanced at Kelly, who had taken the files from her, reading through them himself, and then looked at Torres.

“I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, Chief.”

Torres frowned and leaned forward, forearms bracing against the desk, his gaze fixed firmly on Buck.

“Buckley, is this alleged behaviour the reason why you want to transfer from 118? Because I can assure you I will take all the proper steps to discipline those responsible and if I find it necessary they won’t have a job with the department anymore. Some of those claims could also possibly lead to assault charges or…”

“No.” Buck hadn’t meant to snap, especially not at a Chief, but there it was. “No. I don’t want that. Any of that.”

“Evan,” Kelly started but Buck shook her head.

“No. No, I…I know there has to be an investigation and…and discipline because of the complaints but I don’t want anyone losing their jobs and I absolutely _do not_ want any charges filed. Not because of me.”

“Buckley,” Torres spoke calmly though the expression was a mix of concern and confusion. “Some of those complaints are very serious. Especially Captain Richards’.”

Kelly frowned and flipped through the papers he held, finding the one in question and, as he read it, his eyes went wide and when he looked at Buck it was clear to Torres the younger man had had no idea about the incident the complaint concerned.

“Evan,” he spoke as gently as he could but Buck heard the anger in his voice. “Evan, why…why didn’t you tell me about this?”

Buck shrank in on herself and hung her head, eyes squeezing shut momentarily before she looked back up, focusing only on Torres.

“Please, Chief,” she said softly, not above pleading if she had to. “I understand and appreciate that you have a job to do but…but please…I don’t want to go down this road. I’ve done enough damage to…to the department and to 118 and I just…I just want to transfer and…and move on with my life and my career.”

Torres said nothing for a moment, studying her, seeing that, though shaken by the turn of events, the revelation of the complaints, she was determined. He had no doubt that if he were to deny the transfer and make her stay, try to force her to partake in the investigation, she would likely show up to the first hearing meeting with the other Chiefs with her resignation letter in hand. He could admire her refusal to turn on her team, on her Captain, but he hated that she had so clearly suffered at the hands of those who should, in his opinion, be facing the disciplinary board. If not a damn firing squad. Maybe more than that though, he hated that they still had her loyalty even though it seemed they did nothing to deserve it.

Drawing a deep breath, knowing without Buck’s support, her cooperation and testimony, his investigations into the allegations wouldn’t go as far as he would like.

Sighing, Torres grabbed his pen and pulled a form from one of the drawers.

“I still feel you should hold those responsible for this mess accountable,” Torres said as he began filling out the form. “That you should not feel you owe them any sort of loyalty if even half of those complaints are true. You are an excellent firefighter, Buckley, one of the best I’ve seen in a long time and you deserved better than what has clearly happened after you fought so hard to get back to the job you were born to do.”

He signed the form and tore the attached part off, handing Buck the one she would need with plans of immediately the filing the others.

“I hate to lose a good firefighter,” Torres said with a gentle smile. “Especially under these sort of circumstances but I understand to keep you here would do more harm to you and I will _not_ be party to that.”

When he stood, Buck and Kelly did the same, Torres shook Buck’s hand, still giving that gentle smile as he saw a touch of hope finally shining in the young firefighter’s eyes.

“Good luck in Chicago, Buckley,” Torres said and Buck gave the tiniest smile.

“Thank you, Chief.”

Torres nodded and watched the pair leave before sitting down and getting to work filing the transfer.

Out in the hallway, Kelly wrapped his arm around Buck and pulled her into his side, pressing a kiss to her hair.

“You’re coming home,” he said as they made their way out.

“Yeah,” Buck was smiling and Kelly thought she looked a little lighter. “Yeah, I am.”

“That’s good because I’ve got a surprise for you.”

Buck looked up at him curiously as they stepped out of the building.

“A surprise? What could you possibly have…”

Her question was interrupted when a sudden, but familiar voice suddenly called out.

“Hey, kid!”

Buck’s head snapped around and her eyes went wide and then her smile beamed so bright Kelly couldn’t help but laugh as Buck pulled away from him and rushed forward.

“Herrmann!”

Buck all but launched herself into Herrmann’s waiting arm as the man laughed, hugging her tight.

“God it’s good to see you, kid,” Herrmann chuckled as he stepped back a bit, gripping her shoulders and grinning from ear to ear.

“Alright, Herrmann don’t hog her all to yourself. I want some hug action over here.”

Herrmann laughed, saying something about hug huggers, as Buck glanced around him and squealed in delight as she stepped away from him and into the waiting arms of Leslie Shay, barely hearing Kelly and Herrmann greeting one another as she hugged Shay as tightly as she could. Shay’s arms around her, like Kelly’s, helped ground her. 

Helped remind her that, now, she didn’t have to keep fighting alone.


	6. Chapter 6

The morning at 118 had passed by fairly quietly, only three calls before lunch, all fairly routine and easily managed, and as Bobby prepared lunch he was thankful for the calm.

He would never admit to it but getting the text from Buck that morning had rattled him. He’d read the word hospital and had had a flash to the night she’d collapsed in his backyard, coughing up blood, and had nearly called her just to hear her voice, to reassure himself that it wasn’t serious. But he had stopped himself. Because part of him doubted. That nasty little voice in the back of his mind that had hissed Buck wasn’t ready all those months ago was now hissing that she was playing games.

He never wanted to believe that of her but he also had never thought for a second she would sue him and the department.

Sighing, Bobby glanced around the loft, watching as Hen and Chim bickered about some game they were playing while Eddie sat on his phone, no doubt checking in with Carla or Christopher and, not for the first time, felt that his team was not complete.

Drawing a deep breath, Bobby kept chopping vegetables and spoke.

“Anyone heard anything from Buck?”

Hen and Chim both shook their heads, focus never breaking from their game, while Eddie simply grunted.

“Thought she was out sick or something,” Eddie said distractedly, tone flat and uncaring, and Bobby frowned a touch.

“Just thought maybe she’d have reached out, said how she was doing.”

“Maddie said she tried texting her yesterday,” Chim piped up, turning his attention away from the game for a second. “Never got an answer. But she answered you this morning so…she must be okay, yeah?”

Bobby’s frown deepened.

Something felt off about all of this.

Digging his phone from his pocket, Bobby brought up the message thread with Buck, scrolling through it and coming to the sudden realization that, until yesterday morning, he hadn’t received a text from Buck in weeks. The last one, from a few months prior, was an invite to grab lunch. An invite he’d brushed off with a one word reply and, clearly, thought no more of. It had clearly been enough of a brush off for Buck to stop reaching out. To stop trying. Maybe because, as his texts clearly showed, it hadn’t been the first time he’d done it.

Had he meant to do that? Push her away that way?

He had wanted to punish her for the lawsuit, for turning on him and the team, he couldn’t deny that, but had he somehow decided that meant pushing her away? And if he had, had the team taken cues from him and done the same? Was that why no one seemed to know what was going on with her? Or had they just shared his anger and done it of their own accords?

Frowning, Bobby typed out a quick message and sent it. Just to test the waters.

_To: Buck_   
_Hey. Feeling better?_

Bobby waited a moment or two, hoping he might get a reply but, when nothing came, he sighed and tucked his phone away. Not getting an immediate answer was nothing to worry about. Buck was likely just sleeping off the lingering effects of whatever illness she had caught. Probably best she hadn’t come to work. No sense in everyone coming down with whatever she had. So at least she’d shown some good sense there. Probably finally learned to think before she acted.

Drawing a deep breath, he turned his attention back to getting lunch ready, trying to push all thoughts of Buck aside.

**_oOoOoOo_ **

Buck sat in her kitchen, laughing with Shay, as Herrmann told her about a recent call where Kelly had been covered, head to toe, with glittery gold paint while trying to get an artist unglued from an art sculpture, while Kelly all but squawked indignantly and tried to defend himself.

“Hand to God,” Herrmann laughed, grinning broadly. “Every time we turned around for like a week, here’s Severide, trying to get little fleck of gold glitter outta his hair or off his uniform. We even offered to turn the truck hose on him to see if we couldn’t get rid of it.”

“It’s not like I purposely painted myself,” Kelly growled out though his eyes sparkled with amusement. “Hell, Shay banned me from the house for two days at the end of it. I had to crash with Otis and Cruz!”

Buck laughed harder as Shay rolled her eyes.

“I was not the only one with a hand in that banishment,” Shay quipped. “You forget that Casey was the one who actually told you that you had to find a way to get rid of all the glitter.”

“Yeah, but you’re the one who told me I was sleeping on the porch or somewhere else because you weren’t letting me back in the house!”

Buck wiped a tear away, unable to remember the last time she had laughed so much, just as her phone buzzed, alerting her to a text message.

As Kelly and Shay continued their back and forth, Buck grabbed her phone and checked the message, her laughter dying as she stared at the screen, at the little message bubble, not knowing what to make of it.

_From: Bobby_   
_Hey. Feeling better?_

What was that supposed to mean? Why was Bobby asking that? Was it genuine concern or was he hoping she’d slip up and reply with something he could use against her? And what did it say about her, about what her relationship with Bobby had become, that she even would think that way about the man?

“Kid?” Herrmann’s voice cut through her thoughts and she looked up to find the man watching her with quiet concern. “You alright?”

Buck didn’t need to look to see that Kelly and Shay were now looking at her, she could practically feel their gazes, and she drew a slow, deep breath as she looked back at her phone. She frowned, still torn about why Bobby had reached out.

“Yeah,” she said softly, giving a grin that felt as fake as it probably looked, tucking her phone away again. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Herrmann’s expression said he did not buy it, not for a second, but, thankfully he did not push.

“Alright,” the older firefighter said, giving a small grin even though Kelly was now watching Buck with a small frown. “Where were we?”

“Something about the horror of Kelly having to bunk with Cruz and Otis.”

“We are not talking about that nightmare,” Kelly grumbled and Herrmann huffed while Shay snickered.

“Oh, come on, big brother,” Buck teased, hoping to better put the attention off her and her momentary mood swing. “It couldn’t have been that bad.”

“It was a…”

Kelly’s growl was cut off by Buck’s cell phone suddenly ringing.

Buck mumbled an apology as she dug her phone back out and checked it.

Maddie.

Her heart lurched painfully and she suddenly had butterflies.

She debated, for a moment, about ignoring the call as she had her sister’s text messages, but she knew if she did there was a very good chance of Maddie showing up at her apartment and the last thing she needed was for Kelly and Maddie to be in the same room together. The last time that had happened it had not gone well and Buck was in no mood, or headspace, to deal with round two of it.

“Just a sec, guys,” she said with a barely there smile, rising from her seat and stepping towards the living room to answer the call.

“Hey, Maddie.”

“Oh my God, Evan!” Maddie sounded a mix of relieved and angry. “Are you okay? Where are you?”

Buck blinked and glanced back at the others, who were talking quietly but, every now and then, Kelly snuck a look at her.

“What do you mean?”

“Chim called me this morning, said something about you spending the night in the hospital.” And now Maddie sounded more angry than relieved. “You were in the hospital and you didn’t think to call me?”

“It was nothing,” Buck tried to explain, trying to think up something convincing to tell her sister as the butterflies in her stomach started to churn.

“Nothing?” Maddie huffed and Buck could almost see her sister roll her eyes. “Buck, you were sick enough to be hospitalized! That’s not nothing!”

Buck cringed and squeezed her eyes shut for a long moment. Long enough that Maddie seemed to think she was being ignored because suddenly her sister was snapping at her.

“Evan! God, Evan, are you seriously not even listening to me right now?!”

“No, no I am,” Buck tried to reason. “But you’re making a big deal out of a twenty-four-hour bug.”

“Hospitalized, Buck, you were hospitalized! And you never thought to let me know! My boyfriend, and your friend, had to be the one to tell me. The morning after I might add!”

“Oh for the love of…” Buck suddenly found herself snapping. Her nerves giving way to her own anger. “I was never in the hospital, Maddie!”

There was silence not only from Maddie’s end of the line but the kitchen and Buck knew the others were looking at her but she was beyond caring at the moment.

When Maddie finally spoke again it was, of course, with a judging, angry tone.

“What? Buck what are you saying?” There was a scoff that made Buck bristle. “Oh my God, you lied to Bobby just to get a few days off work didn’t you? God, Buck, I thought you were over this sort of childish crap. We all thought you learned after the lawsuit but oh no, you still just…”

“Oh shut up, Maddie,” Buck snapped back. “You don’t know anything about my life or what’s been going on. The other night showed me that when I tried to talk to you about it. But you have no right to say Chim is my friend. He’s not my friend. Hell, I doubt he’s ever been my friend. I doubt any of them were ever really my friends.”

“Buck…”

“So yeah, I took a few days because I couldn’t deal with things anymore. I couldn’t…no…I _can’t_ and _won’t_ deal with _them_ anymore. I was this close, Maddie, to just…to just…”

Buck drew a shaky, wet breath and pushed through her emotions even as Maddie tried to speak.

“Buck, I…”

“I can’t keep fighting for people who don’t care, Maddie. I’m so damn tired. All the time. It’s like I walk around on…on eggshells afraid to even breath because I’m…I’m afraid I’ll screw up again.”

Buck shook her head as she felt her eyes burn with tears, tears that dripped down her cheeks and she couldn’t help the broken sound that fell from her lips.

“I’m not sorry,” she hiccupped lightly. “For taking time to figure out…what I want or...or…what I need. I’m sorry you were worried but…but you don’t have to worry anymore, Maddie. I’m not a child, no matter what you or anyone else thinks. I’ll be okay.” She hiccupped again, tears dripping off her chin. “Eventually, I’ll be okay.”

Maddie was still talking but Buck had pulled her phone away from her ear and, without a second thought, she ended the call.

A sob dropped from her lips again as her phone tumbled from her trembling fingers and, before she could process it, arms were suddenly wrapping around her, drawing her into a tight embrace.

“It’s alright, kid,” Herrmann’s voice washed over her, gentle and caring that she sobbed a little harder. “It’s alright. Let it out, okay? You just let it out. You ain’t alone. You never got to be alone again. You always got me and Cindy and the kids. Plus all of 51. Your family is here for you, Evan Buckley. We will always be here for you.”

Buck felt Herrmann press a kiss to her temple as she clung to him.

“You’re gonna be okay, kid.” Herrmann hugged her tighter as Kelly and Shay moved to embrace her too, their arms wrapping around them both in a display of love and support. “You’re gonna be okay.”


	7. Chapter 7

Once she had calmed down, Buck knew it was time, passed time really, to make some tough decisions.

So she spent the next few hours doing things she knew needed to be done.

She started by calling her landlord to explain the situation. He, thankfully, was very understanding and, she was surprised to find, already had someone looking for an apartment in one of his buildings so, if she agreed to pay an extra month of rent, he’d agree to break her lease. Buck agreed to the deal without hesitation.

After getting off the phone with her landlord, she began searching for the right moving company and, upon finding the one she liked best, called to book the pickup and delivery. It would take two days for her things to reach Chicago but, she knew, she would be in the city long before then and didn’t need to worry about it.

With that out of the way, she checked flights to Chicago, and, after talking it over with Kelly, Herrmann and Shay, they all had tickets bought. She was not staying in Los Angeles longer than necessary. And, if she was quick and methodical about everything, it meant tomorrow would be her last day in the city that was supposed to be her home and future.

By the time late afternoon rolled around, Buck, with help from her brother and their friends, had most of her things organized and ready to pack.

Sitting on the floor between the kitchen and the living room, looking around at the stuff that made up her life, Buck suddenly found herself struck by the reality that her entire life would, very soon, fit in a bunch of boxes. That, once again, she was uprooting from a place that supposed to have been her future. Her forever. She felt that maybe it should have hurt more. When she’d left Chicago it had felt like the world was ending. Like someone had picked up a snow globe with her inside and shook the crap out of it. But this? It just felt numb. Like going through the motions. Which was how she had felt for the last several months.

But, she knew, things would change.

Once she was back in Chicago, back with 51, things would change.

It would take time, she knew that too, but she truly believed things would change. She was putting all her trust and hope in that belief.

Drawing a deep breath, Buck stood, pretending not to see how Kelly’s gaze immediately jumped to her or how he tracked her movements as she stepped into the kitchen.

Grabbing her transfer order from where she’d left it, she steeled her nerves as best she could and turned back to face her brother and friends.

“Okay,” she said as firmly as she could. “Okay, so I need to go get boxes for all this stuff and I’ve decided to kill two birds with one stone.”

Kelly exchanged a quick look with Herrmann, who was stacking up some books, before frowning as he met Buck’s gaze.

“Meaning what exactly?”

“Meaning I’m going to the 118 to get my things and hand in my transfer papers after I go get the boxes to pack all this stuff up.”

The commotion her declaration stirred, Kelly and Herrmann trying to talk over one another, trying to tell her what a bad idea that was or how she wasn’t going alone, was stopped when Shay let out a loud, shrill whistle.

“Alright, down boys,” Shay snapped once Kelly and Herrmann had fallen silent. Her expression told them she was not to be messed right now. “I get we want to protect Buck but this is _not_ our choice to make. Buck is strong. She knows what she can or can’t handle and we’re going to trust her judgement on this.”

Buck smiled.

“Thanks, Shay.”

“Oh don’t thank me yet,” Shay replied as she moved to get her coat. “Because while these two blockheads are staying put I’m going with you so you don’t have to walk into the lions den completely alone.”

“I don’t think…” Kelly started but stopped when both Buck and Shay shot him unimpressed looks. Herrmann laughed at how quickly the younger man backed down.

“So it’s settled.” Shay looked at Buck with a grin. “You ready to do this?”

Buck gave a nod and, together, she and Shay left.

They stopped off first at a storage facility, where much to Buck’s great amusement the pimply faced teenage attendant tried to flirt with Shay, to pick up the boxes and then Buck drove them to the 118 where, once she parked the Jeep, Buck found herself hesitating.

“Buck?” Shay’s hand lightly touched her arm and Buck tore her gaze away from the building to focus on her friend. “Are you okay?”

Buck looked back at the firehouse and swallowed thickly.

“I…” She heaved a sigh. “I don’t know. But I know I have to do this.” She swallowed again. “I have to do it.”

Shay nodded but didn’t push, letting Buck gather herself, waiting for the younger woman to take the lead. She knew that Buck needed to do all of this at her own pace. It was important Buck feel completely in control now because, Shay suspected, once they were in that building that wouldn’t be the case.

When Buck moved to get out of the Jeep, Shay followed.

Stepping into the 118 felt, as it had for months, like walking on eggshells and Buck found herself pausing just inside the door. Looking around, she took everything in, knowing this would be the last time she saw the place. It shouldn’t have come to pass, part of her kept screaming that, but it had and the only thing left to do was carry on and keeping moving forward. Drawing a deep breath, she headed for the locker room, Shay close behind her.

“Are they serious about the glass wall,” Shay asked as she glared at the glass separating the apparatus floor and the locker room, moving to lean against the wall by the door. “Kelly would have had a field day with that one.”

“Don’t tell him,” Buck said, walking to her locker and opening it. “But it’s actually something I put in a formal complaint about back when I first started here.”

Buck dug her spare duffle bag out of the bottom of the locker and, quick as she could, grabbed her things and tossed them in it. She hesitated when it came to the photographs she had taped up on the inside of the door. After a second or two of contemplating, Buck grabbed only two, one of her and Christopher, taken during his first visit to the firehouse, and the one of her and Eddie, taken a barbeque at Bobby and Athena’s. She tucked them carefully into the bag and shut the locker with a quiet snap.

She had just started to turn back to Shay when a voice sounded from the door.

“Buckley?”

Buck turned and found Captain Richards there, clearly having arrived for shift, and she thought back to the report she’d read that morning in Chief Torres’ office.

“Hey,” she tried to force a grin. “Captain Richards, uh…hey.”

Richards glanced at Shay, frowning slightly, and then at Buck.

“Oh,” Buck said quickly. “Oh, this is my friend, Shay. Uh…Shay, this is Captain Kyle Richards. He’s in charge of third shift.”

Shay smiled and extended her hand to Richards.

“Leslie Shay,” she said politely.

“Pleasure.” Richard gave a nod as he shook her hand and then looked back to Buck, his gaze dropping to the duffle she was carrying for a moment before he met her gaze. “Something going on, Buckley?”

“Oh…” Buck glanced briefly down at her bag and when she looked back up she saw the knowing way Richards was looking at her. “I…well…” She licked her lips and cleared her throat. “I put in for a transfers. Leaving in the morning.”

Richards tossed Shay a look, earning a nod of confirmation, before he set his own bag down and moved towards Buck.

“I’m sorry to see you go,” he admitted. “You’re a hell of a firefighter, Buckley. One of the best I’ve seen in a long time but, and please don’t take this the wrong way, I do think it’s the best thing for you.”

Buck smiled, touched by Richards’ words, and she nodded as she held out her hand to shake Richards.

“Thank you, Captain.”

She was surprised when, instead of shaking her hand, Richards pulled her into a hug.

It was warm and kind and Buck leaned into it for a moment before slowly pulling back, smiling up at the man.

“Thank you,” she said again. “Take care of yourself and your team.”

“You too, Buckley.”

Buck was still smiling as she and Shay left the locker room but it dipped when she glanced towards the stairs. Still one more thing to do. Drawing a deep breath, she turned to Shay.

“Can you take this to the Jeep,” she asked, holding out the duffle bag. Shay hesitated, clearly not wanting to leave Buck, but after a quiet _please_ she did as Buck asked though she did not look pleased to do it.

Buck watched her for a moment before, with another deep breath, she walked, slowly, to the stairs and then, just as slowly, up them. She could hear laughter, could heard Chim saying something about foolish teenagers and their harebrained schemes to make it big on the internet, and she felt her hands begin to tremble. Bracing herself, she reminded herself that she was strong, that she deserved better than what she had endured in the last six months, and took the final steps to the landing above.

Chim, Hen and Eddie were seated at the table, laughing, no doubt discussing the last call they had gone on, while Bobby stood at the sink, drying a few dishes. She watched them for a moment, taking in the sight of them for what would be the last time, before she cleared her throat.

Bobby’s head turned and she saw his eyes widen slightly even as the others all looked her way.

She wasn’t surprised when Eddie grunted and turned away again, a silent dismissal that she’d grown used to, and she wished things were different. She wished they were in a better place. A place where she could have asked him to say goodbye to Christopher. But then, she supposed, if they’d been in that place she wouldn’t have been leaving.

“Buck,” Bobby’s voice drew her attention swiftly back to the man. “What are you doing here?”

Buck took a slow step forward, reaching into her back pocket for the transfer paper, chewing her lip slightly.

“Had to bring this by,” she said, stepping towards the counter, trying to ignore the way Chim and Hen were now watching her.

As she laid the paper on the counter she met Bobby’s confused gaze.

“You can consider this my immediate resignation, Captain Nash.”

She watched his eyes widen, heard Hen and Chim ask what was going on, saw Eddie’s head turn again to look at her, watching, silent as a shadow, as Bobby snatched up the paper and unfolded it. She watched as he read it. She watched as the realization dawned and his eyes widened a bit more before they snapped up to meet her gaze.

“This…” Bobby shook his head. “This isn’t…Buck…what the hell is this?”

“I told you,” Buck said, hands trembling, heart beginning to race. “My resignation.”

“What,” Hen spoke and Buck quickly glanced at her. “What are you talking about?” The woman stood. “You’re not resigning. Don’t be stupid.”

Buck’s gaze narrowed.

“You think it’s stupid to want to leave a place you’re not wanted anyways, Henrietta?”

Hen blinked. Taken back by the sharpness of Buck’s tone and the use of her given name.

“Buck, you are…”

“Please,” Buck said, shaking her head. “Please, let’s not lie to one another. We all know you’ve just been waiting for me to disappear.”

“That’s not true,” Bobby said swiftly, starting to step around the counter. “Buck, look, I know you don’t always think things through so why don’t you and I go to my office and we’ll talk about this before you do something you’ll regret.”

Buck gave Bobby a cold look.

“Are you saying I’m too stupid to know what I’m doing?”

Bobby blinked.

“What? Buck, I never said you were…”

“But you must think that, right?” Buck shook her head. “Otherwise you wouldn’t have all but just told me I don’t know what the hell I’m doing by handing you a transfer order.” She huffed. “And that _is_ a transfer order _not_ a transfer request, Captain Nash. So, no, I’m not going to your office to talk about this because there’s nothing to talk about. It’s done.”

Bobby hurriedly looked back down at the paper and saw that it was indeed a transfer order and not a request.

“Buck…”

“I stuck around thinking things would get better,” Buck said, refusing to listen to whatever Bobby had to say. “That if I just gave it time that everyone would, when they were ready, be able to forgive me.” She looked at Eddie for a moment, finding his expression unreadable and cold. “But I’ve come to realize that…that isn’t going to happen and I…I’m done being the punching bag. I’m done.”

She turned and went to walk away but Eddie’s voice, sharp and brittle as glass, stopped her.

“That’s right just run away. It’s all you’re good at.”

Any other day and Buck would have just walked away. She would have ignored the sting and bite of Eddie’s words. She wouldn’t have acted like they got to her and cut deep. Just like all his snide or waspish comments had for the last six months. But, it seemed, like with her conversation with Maddie earlier, she had finally reached a breaking point.

She whirled around before she could think and took a step towards where Eddie was sitting.

“I am not Shannon!”

Buck’s shout rang through the air like a gunshot and everyone stared at her, wide eyed, but before they could say or do anything she just kept shouting.

“You put all your shit about her over on me because I made one mistake. One stupid mistake that I have regretted more than anything else in my life! You have spent the last six months making your issues with Shannon about me. Every dig and slur you have thrown at me is about me leaving or ditching you or the team and was all because you never manned up and dealt with the issues between you and Shannon!”

Eddie was quickly on his feet, glaring, but Buck didn’t give him a chance to speak.

“I’m not taking it anymore,” Buck snapped, ignoring Hen when the woman said maybe they should all just take a breath. “I shouldn’t have had to take it in the first place! I get you’re angry with me, I accept that, but I do not have to accept being treated like garbage! I deserve better than that even when you’re angry at me! What happened to being my friend?! What happened to _you can have my back any day_?! Real friends don’t treat each other like shit just because they’re mad!”

For a brief moment something other than anger crossed Eddie’s face but Buck didn’t stop. It was like a faucet had been turned on and the words just kept pouring out.

“And it’s not just Eddie, it’s all of you!” Buck spun in a circle, glaring at one person and then the next until she was facing Bobby, who was staring wide eyed and somewhat slack jawed at her. “You were supposed to be my friend, my _Captain_ , you were supposed to be on my side but all you did was lie! _To my face_! You said keeping me benched was to protect me and the team but it was about protecting _you_! You let your personal feelings get in the way of the professional and then you thought I would be okay with it!

I looked at you like a father, Bobby! God knows my real one is a piece of work but even with all the ways he’s failed me he never once hurt me the way you have! All I ever wanted was to make you proud of me and you might as well have spit in my face!”

“Buck,” Bobby sounded wounded but Buck refused to hear it, refused to be swayed by it, because she wasn’t done. Not yet.

“I loved each one of you like family,” she said, feeling the tears start to roll down her face. “You all mattered…so damn much…but when I needed you, really fucking needed you…you weren’t there. It’s like I didn’t matter. Like I was disposable. Forgettable.”

She looked at Eddie again only to find he still looked so angry.

“I love you,” her voice was soft now, the tears dripping off her chin. “I’ve been in love with you for so long and I hate saying it now because…because loving you…it fucking hurts, Eddie. It hurts so much because no matter what I did…I was never going to be enough. You were always…one way or another…always waiting for me to be like Shannon and leave.”

She hiccupped lightly, scrubbing a hand over her face and missing the shift in Eddie’s face, the anger melting away to something else.

“I love you,” she said again, shaking her head as she stepped back, the fight suddenly draining out of her as quickly as it had come. “And I love Christopher…so much…but I can’t do this any more. I can’t keep giving and giving and never getting anything back. I _can’t_ and…and I _won’t_ live like this anymore.”

She shook her head again, turning, refusing to look at them anymore.

“I’m done.”

Without another word, Buck walked away.

She pretended not to hear Bobby call after her as she passed Richards on the stairs. She didn’t notice how he looked at her, or the fact that he said her name in concern. She wasn’t really aware of anything but the numbness threatening to overtake her until she realized Shay, who had likely been coming to find her, was at the bottom of the stairs. A pained sound, maybe a sob, fell from her lips and suddenly Shay was right there, arm around her, drawing her tight against the older blonde’s side and guiding her from the firehouse.

Buck refused to look back.

Even when everything in her screamed at her to do so.

She didn’t look back.


	8. Chapter 8

Captain Kyle Richards was not, by nature, a violent man.

But watching Evan Buckley be escorted from the 118 by her friend, in tears, clearly distraught and upset enough she hadn’t even seemed to see him, filled him with a deep desire to knock somebody’s teeth down their throat.

Drawing a slow, deep breath, Richards turned and continued up the stairs to the kitchen area. He arrived in time to catch the end of whatever conversation had broken out after Buck’s departure.

“She’s just playing for sympathy,” Eddie was snapping, looking keyed up but shaken somehow. “I bet that paper isn’t even real. Just more _feel bad for me_ crap. She isn’t leaving.”

“I don’t know,” Chim said from where he was sitting. “Seems like a lot for a prank.”

“It’s not.” Richards chimed in as he moved to get himself a cup of coffee. “A prank, that is.”

He felt all of them look at him as he poured his coffee. He said nothing else, just sipped his coffee as he slowly turned back to face the others, leaning back against the counter.

“Did you all seriously think Buckley would wait around forever?” Richards huffed. “This place has been so toxic the last few months I’m not surprised it all came to this.”

“What are you talking about, Richards,” Bobby asked, frowning, Buck’s transfer order still clutched in his hand. “Toxic? Since when has the 118 been a toxic environment?”

“Since about six months ago when Buckley came back after having to file a lawsuit for being wrongfully kept from working.”

“She wasn’t…”

“My wife works legal for the department, Nash,” Richards cut the other Captain off. “I know all about Buckley’s beef. If she’d had a lawyer actually interested in helping her and not his own payday maybe it would have all washed out different but she had more than enough legal standing to bury not only the department but you as well.”

Richards set his half finished cup of coffee down, straightening as he stared the other Captain down.

“So, yeah, she filed a lawsuit and to punish her for daring to stand up for herself you all decided to treat her like an outsider. Like garbage.” He looked at the other members of Bobby’s team. “The only thing I can say in your favour is that the three of you never seemed to be outright violent about it.” He glared at Bobby then. “Shame I can’t say the same about you, Nash.”

He watched Bobby’s eyes widen and he felt a sort of satisfaction over having caused that look to grace the other man’s face. Bobby liked to say he was a good man, a good Captain, but Richards knew different. And he’d already made certain that Chief Torres knew it too.

“I don’t know what you’re…”

Richards moved and was suddenly in Bobby’s space, glaring, refusing to back down.

“You walked away so quickly that maybe you don’t realize how badly you screwed up,” Richards said, gaze hard as he stared Bobby down. “But I do. Because I’m the one who picked up the pieces.”

“Richards…”

“Maybe,” Richards pressed. “Before you all go casting blame you might want to take a hard look at each other. Because the people to blame for this house losing a firefighter as excellent as Buckley are the four of you.”

Richards turned and started to walk away, feeling he’d said enough, that the pot was stirred and the other team would either sink or swim.

“Richards,” Bobby snapped his name but Richards kept walking. “Richards! Stop! We’re not done here. We’re going to sort this out right now.”

He felt a hand close around his arm and, swiftly, he spun back around, his bitter anger from minutes earlier flaring with a vengeance and his fist slammed into Bobby’s face. The older Captain staggered back, the members of his team rushing forward, Eddie and Chim getting between Richards and Bobby while Hen moved to check on her Captain even as Bobby clutched at his face, blood dripping from his nose.

“That,” Richards snarled, glaring at Bobby even as he stepped back a few steps, hands held up so neither Eddie or Chim had an excuse to try anything. “Was for Buckley.” He huffed and shook his head. “Go ahead and report me if you want. I don’t care.”

Richards turned then and continued on his way. The throb of pain in his knuckles and hand more than worth it. His only regret was that he hadn’t punched Nash sooner.

Maybe if he had the house wouldn’t be losing one of its best firefighters.

**_oOoOoOo_ **

By the time Buck and Shay made it back to the apartment, Buck had calmed down, though she felt emotionally drained. It had taken some doing but she’d managed to convince Shay to keep her meltdown between them because, as they both knew, if Kelly knew something had happened at the 118, even though Buck had been the one to instigate it, he would be up in arms and out for blood. And all Buck wanted, now more than ever, was for it all to be over and to focus on moving forward.

She wasn’t stupid though, she knew from the moment they walked back into the apartment with the boxes that Kelly knew something was up. He kept watching her and then glancing at Shay, as though expecting some sudden revelation, but, thankfully, did not press or ask questions Buck was not prepared to answer.

Working together, they had everything boxed up, labelled and ready to go. The boxes were stacked neatly in the kitchen but, with everything packed up, the apartment looked and felt bare. Like it had when Buck had first moved in. Back before she and Ali had decorated and tried to turn it into a proper home. Even after Ali had left, unable to handle the dangers of Buck’s job, it had been full and bright and home. Now it was like a shell. A shell of what had been. A shell of who Buck had been for so long.

The rest of the evening was quiet, uneventful, save for Kelly and Herrmann managing to find a hockey game to watch and bickering through it rather animatedly. And, after a while, Buck slipped away upstairs for a moment of privacy to do something she wished with all her heart that she could have done in person.

She knew Eddie would still be at the station for another hour, which meant Christopher was with Carla and, thankfully, Carla would happily give her time to talk to the boy that she loved like he was her own.

She video called because, if this was the last time she spoke to Christopher, she wanted to be able to see him.

“Hey, Buckaroo,” Carla laughed as she answered the call, grinning brightly. “Aren’t you supposed to be working? What is it, a slow night?”

“Hey, uh…yeah…no, I’m…uh…not at work today, Carla.” Buck tried to smile but she knew Carla saw through it because the older woman was starting to frown. “I just…I was hoping…I mean, I don’t know if Eddie’s said anything against it or not, but I…I was hoping…I really need to talk to Christopher, Carla. It’s important.”

Carla was still frowning, her gaze seemed to search Buck’s face and, whatever she saw, whatever instinct she had always possessed when it came to the really important stuff, made her expression shift to sorrow but understanding.

“Chris, honey,” Carla called, looking away from her phone and towards wherever Christopher was. “I think a special someone wants to talk to you.”

The video shook slightly as Carla moved and there was a blur as the phone was handed over and then Christopher’s face came into perfect focus.

“BUCKY!”

The boy lit up like he had just been given his favourite thing in the whole world and Buck’s smile, for the first time in a long time, no longer felt fake.

“Hey, superman,” she greeted. “Did you get taller or something? Older maybe? Gosh, you gotta be what? Sixteen now?”

Christopher laughed and it was, by far, the best sound in the world.

“I’m still eight, Buck,” the little boy laughed, grinning, and Buck laughed too.

“What? Still? No, I haven’t seen you in so long you gotta be at least a teenager now.”

“You haven’t been over in forever,” Christopher agreed and Buck’s heart broke a little at the flicker of sadness that graced that sweet face.

“I know,” she replied gently, hating to turn thing serious so soon but he deserved better from her than beating around the bush. He deserved better than her just disappearing from his life too but hindsight and all that. “I know, buddy, and I am so sorry about that but…uh…listen, buddy, there’s something really important I need to talk to you about but I want you to know that it is not you fault, it will never be your fault and I do not, for one second, want you thinking it is, okay? Can you promise me that?”

Christopher regarded her for a moment in that quiet, insightful way he had before slowly nodding.

“I promise, Buck.”

“Good.”

Buck spoke gently, almost softly, still smiling but it was smaller now, more serious and she wished she could be doing this really face to face. So she could hug him or let him hug her or just be able to comfort him better because, she knew, this was going to hurt so much and she hated being the one to do it.

“Good, because…” She swallowed around the lump that started to form in her throat. “Because you need to know, buddy, that I…I’m moving and I won’t be in California any more.”

Christopher blinked and then his eyes went wide.

“ _You’re leaving?!_ ” He sounded so heartbroken and Buck felt her own heart lurch painfully. “Why? Why are…no! No, you can’t leave! Bucky…”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Buck was quick to cut in, not wanting to let Christopher get too worked up. “I know this…this isn’t what you want to hear, Christopher, I know that and I…I don’t like it either but sometimes things don’t always go how we want.”

“But…But why?” Christopher had tears in his eyes, tears that started to glide down his face and Buck was struggling not to cry herself. “Why are you leaving?”

“I’m going to another firehouse, buddy,” she started but, clearly, that wasn’t what Christopher had meant.

“But _why_?”

Buck blinked and felt a tear roll down her cheek.

“It’s complicated, buddy,” she said. “Grown up stuff.”

“Is it because you and Dad had a…a fight?”

Part of Buck wanted to lie. To protect how Christopher saw his father. This situation wasn’t all on Eddie. She’d played her role too, hell all of the 118 had, but she knew that, while she couldn’t give him all the truth, she loved him enough to be as honest with him as she could.

“That’s part of it,” she admitted. “But you can’t blame him, Christopher, okay? I…I did something and he did some thing and…and it sucks but things…things changed between us. But that doesn’t mean, for one second, that I don’t love you.”

Christopher sniffled and, again, Buck wished she could hug him. For both their sakes.

“But you’re leaving.”

“I am,” she agreed with a faint nod. “And I know it sucks and it hurts and…and you’re probably sad and angry all at the same time but you can call me whenever you want and I will always do everything, and anything, I can to be there for you. Just because I’m moving, Christopher, doesn’t mean I stop being your friend.”

“You’ll still be my…my…Bucky?”

“I will always be your Bucky,” Buck reassured him. “Always. I love you, Christopher, to infinity and beyond.”

That, at least, brought a small laugh from Christopher.

“Love you, Bucky.”

“I love you too, Christopher.” She felt the tears drip off her chin and she was quick to try and wipe the tears away. “I want you to always remember that, okay? No matter where I am or what’s happening, I will _always_ love you.”

Christopher nodded, small, watery smile on his face, and he sniffled again before handing the phone over to Carla. Clearly he didn’t want to say goodbye and, if she was honest, Buck didn’t either. As Carla appeared on the screen, frowning, Buck scrubbed a hand over her face to try and get rid of her tears.

“Sorry,” she said after a moment, trying, and failing, to smile reassuringly for her friend. “He’s probably going to…”

“Buck,” Carla cut her off and Buck’s jaw clicked shut, expecting outrage but finding Carla just looked sad. “I will take care of our special little man in a minute but right now I think I need to take care of you. Seems no one else has been.”

“Carla, I’m…”

“Do not tell me you’re fine. I’m not stupid and I’m not blind. You’re doing damage control to protect yourself.”

“Carla…”

“I can’t say I’m happy to hear you’re leaving,” Carla continued as though Buck hadn’t spoken at all. “But I _understand_ you’re doing what you need to for your sake. It’s not healthy for you to keep clinging to something that’s just so determined to push you away anyways.”

Buck remembered Carla telling her the same thing after she’d finally given up on Abby coming back.

“I hate that doing what’s best for me means hurting Christopher though,” she said quietly, fresh tears filling her eyes. “I never wanted that.”

“Oh, baby, I know that,” Carla reassured quickly. “And I know if you could fix things here you would in a heartbeat just to spare him any hurt but the world doesn’t always work the way we wish it would.”

Buck nodded.

“Can you…Can you give him a hug for me? I would have come by to tell him in person but…with things the way they are between me and Eddie, I just…I didn’t want…”

“Oh you bet I’m gonna give him a big ol’ hug the minute I put this phone down,” Carla said with a tender smile. “But right now though I think you need someone.”

“I…” Buck started but was cut off by the sound of footsteps at the top of the loft stairs.

“Evan?”

Kelly’s voice was soft, searching, and Buck looked towards her big brother as a few tears glided down her cheek. She couldn’t help the small, shaky smile that graced her face as Kelly quickly crossed the distance between them, climbing onto the bed behind her and wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug. Buck leaned into him even as she looked back at her phone.

“Carla, this is Kelly, my big brother,” she explained. “Kelly, this is my friend, Carla.”

Polite pleasantries were exchanged and Carla smiled at Buck.

“I’m glad you’re not alone, honey,” Carla said, still smiling. “You deserve so much more than you were given these last few months. And I want you to promise me something, Buck.”

“Anything.”

“Take care of yourself. Do not be afraid to put yourself first anymore. You are an amazing young woman and you deserve to be loved for who you are, Evan Buckley, not for other people want or expect you to be.”

Tears spilled down Buck’s cheeks but, this time, they weren’t sad.

“I will, Carla, I promise.”

Carla nodded.

”That’s my girl,” the woman said, smile wide and loving. “Now, you let your brother take care of you and I’ll take care of our little man. You call me once you get wherever it is you’re going.”

“I will,” Buck said again before she and Carla exchanged goodbyes and the call ended.

She felt Kelly’s arms tighten around her in a gentle squeeze, his chin tucked over her shoulder and even with his comforting presence she couldn’t help the quiet sob that dropped from her lips. He didn’t say anything, knowing in that big brother way of his, that, right now, she just needed to cry it out.


	9. Chapter 9

Eddie Diaz had no idea how things had gotten so far without him even noticing.

Or maybe he had noticed and had just chosen to ignore it.

He’d spent the majority of his night tossing and turning after getting home from his shift, thoughts tangled and twisted and circling back, over and over again, to Buck.

When she’d shown up at the station, seemingly healthy and whole, he’d expected some excuse or apology and he had ignored her up until she said she was quitting and transferring to a different house. He had felt something in him crack then but, instead of trying to fix things, instead of doing what he’d been aching to do for weeks, he held tightly to his anger and spat something about her running away again. Which, it seemed, had been the match to the powder keg because unlike the past weeks, past months, Buck proved even she had a breaking point.

Every time he closed his eyes he could see the look, heartbroken and pained, on her face as Buck had uttered words part of him had ached to hear from her for longer than he could admit.

_”I love you. I’ve been in love with you for so long and I hate saying it now because…because loving you…it fucking hurts, Eddie.”_

Buck loved him. She loved him but hated it now because, like he did with so much in his life, Eddie had ruined it. He had ruined her love for him because, like she’d said, he’d never really dealt with his issues from Shannon abandoning him and Christopher.

Eddie groaned as he sat up.

When he’d gotten home last night his son had already been in bed and Carla had been beyond frosty, breezing out after a clipped _“There’s dinner in the fridge.”_ Carla normally lingered a few minutes after he got home to catch him up on Christopher’s day or to ask how his own went so to have her just grab her stuff and go felt off. Wrong in a way that said Carla knew something and, if Eddie was honest with himself, that something was probably Buck’s departure from the 118.

And there was another issue.

How was he going to tell Christopher that Buck was leaving?

Sure, he’d kept Buck away, at arms length in some vain, ridiculous attempt to protect himself, but Christopher asked about her every day. Christopher had only believed the _Oh, Buck’s busy today, bud_ or _Next time she’ll be here for movie night. Promise._ lies for so long before he’d caught on to them. He loved her and hadn’t been able to understand what was going on. Why Eddie had refused to let Buck come back.

Things had been slowly growing tenser between him and his son and now Eddie had to explain to the sweetest kid on the planet that the woman he loved like a mom was leaving.

 _It’s your fault,_ hissed the vicious little voice in the back of his head. The one that sound oh so much like Shannon. Full of bile and blame. _You broke Buck’s heart and have driven away the best thing to ever happen to you and Christopher._

Eddie shook his head and scrubbed his hands over his face, pushing that voice, those thoughts, down as deep as he could. Now was not the time for that. Right now he had to focus on Christopher. That’s what mattered most.

Rising from the bed, Eddie turned off his alarm, knowing he wouldn’t need it now, before making his way to Christopher’s room. He was surprised to find his son already awake, holding onto a little teddy bear dressed up in a firefighter’s outfit. It had been a gift from Buck.

“Hey, buddy,” Eddie said with a smile. “Ready to start the day?”

Christopher didn’t answer as he set the bear aside and reached for his crutches.

Eddie’s smile dipped a bit but he didn’t comment on his son’s quietness, instead focusing on their usual morning routine.

They were just finishing up breakfast when, unexpectedly, Christopher spoke.

“Can Buck come visit?”

Eddie blinked, taken aback by the question, it had been a while since Christopher had asked for Buck.

“Buddy…”

“Please, Dad? I…I know you’re still mad at her but…but I miss her and…I want to see her before…”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Eddie said quickly, standing and grabbing his plate, knowing he had to shut down that idea quickly. 

The fallout from telling his son Buck was leaving the 118, was leaving their lives, was going to be bad enough. He did not want the fallout that would come from a final visit that would never be enough closure for Christopher. He would always be left asking to see her, asking for one more visit, and it would break his heart when Buck moved on. And it would break Eddie’s heart to watch it and have to pick up the pieces.

“But, Dad…”

“No, Christopher.”

“Dad…”

“I just said _no_ , Christopher.”

He was shocked when, suddenly, Christopher let out a frustrated, angry sound and he grabbed his cup and bowl before hurling them as hard as he could across the room. They clattered, loudly, against the floor. Juice and cereal splashing over the floor even as Christopher glared at him.

“It’s all your fault!” Christopher’s shouting was loud and sharp and filled with his anger and hurt. “I don’t…don’t care what Buck…said! She’s going away because of _you_! Because…Because you _hate_ her and keep…keep being mad even though she said she was sorry! She’s going away and it’s all your fault! _Just like mom!_ ”

Eddie swore the world slowed down as Christopher grabbed his crutches and climbed to his feet before disappearing towards the living room.

Christopher already knew Buck was leaving.

Suddenly Carla’s attitude last night made sense. Buck had probably called her and asked to speak to Christopher because of course she would. She would have wanted Christopher to hear she was leaving from her. She would have felt she owed it to him. It was more than Shannon had ever done.

Like a flash, Buck’s words from the night before echoed through his mind.

_“I am not Shannon!”_

No.

No she was not.

Buck would never be so heartless as to leave without saying goodbye to Christopher.

Sighing, Eddie moved to clean up the mess on the floor, knowing he was going to have a different talk with his son than the one planned but that that talk would have to wait because, if they didn’t get a move on, Christopher would be late for school. He was surprised when, just as he started towards the living room to fetch his son, Christopher appeared, backpack on and ready to go.

“Christopher,” Eddie started but Christopher huffed, looking gloomy and angry, and started for the door.

“Don’t want to be late,” the boy grumbled and Eddie found himself just nodding before grabbing his stuff and following after his son.

The drive to the school was silent and tense and, though Eddie tried a few times to get Christopher to talk to him, his son proved he had indeed inherited Eddie’s stubborn streak and refused to utter a single word. He even refused to hug Eddie goodbye at the drop off and Eddie’s heart broke a little more as he watched Christopher walk away.

As he pulled back out onto the road he made a decision that, easily, could end badly but he had to try.

Instead of heading for the firehouse, he went to Buck’s. He needed to put aside his hurt and anger and talk to her. If last night hadn’t made that clear then his son’s furious outburst this morning had. He couldn’t let this thing between him and Buck hurt his son. And it was already clear, from Christopher’s own words, that Buck had tried not to paint Eddie as the one at fault for her leaving. She had tried to protect his son’s image of him even though it was clear they were not in a good place anymore.

And that made his guilt twist tighter.

Arriving at Buck’s building only caused that guilt to burn a little more.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been here. Weeks? Months? It felt so odd to be here now given everything that had happened. Everything he, and the others at the 118, had let happen.

He had to steel himself, trying to mentally prepare himself for the worst, before he went inside.

The elevator ride up to Buck’s floor felt like drug on forever and yet took no time at all and, as he stepped off, he was surprised to find Maddie just down the hall ahead of him, clearly heading for Buck’s apartment as well.

“Maddie?”

She paused and turned, eyes widening in surprise.

“Oh, hey, Eddie,” she said, smiling just a touch. “You hear to talk to Buck too?”

Eddie nodded.

“I’m guessing Chim told you what happened last night?”

Maddie’s smile dropped and she nodded.

“Yeah.” She looked down the hall towards Buck’s door. “I talked to her yesterday…well…tried to. She had some pretty intense things to say to me.”

Eddie nodded again but didn’t ask.

“Should we…” He inclined his head towards Buck’s apartment and Maddie, though she now looked conflicted, gave a nod of her own.

“Rip it off like a bandaid,” she mused and, together, they walked to the apartment door.

Both hesitated but, in the end, it was Eddie who knocked, uncertain what to expect or how Buck would react to either of them being there let alone both of them.

When several minutes went by without any response from within the apartment, Eddie and Maddie exchanged a quick glance before Maddie knocked, calling out.

“Buck? Buck, it’s Maddie.”

Nothing.

Maddie, frowning, knocked again, calling out once more, but still no response.

Eddie was just reaching for his keys, knowing Buck wouldn’t be happy about him using the key she’d given him like, when the door across the hall opened and a voice startled both him and Maddie.

“If you’re looking for Buckley she’s gone.”

Eddie and Maddie turned and found a middle aged man leaning against the doorframe, watching them with a sharp gaze.

“I’m sorry?” Maddie asked, looking at the man with a frown.

“Buckley,” the man said, arms folding across his chest, nodding towards the door. “Moved out this morning.”

Eddie and Maddie exchanged a quick look.

“Moved?” Eddie asked, unable to believe what he’d just heard. “Are you sure? She could have…”

“Guys from a moving company were here bright and early.” The man’s eyebrow arched slightly. “Plus the landlord came by to pick up the keys. Sorry to see Buckley go, she was a good neighbour. Quiet. Kept to herself. Apologized before she left if the noise of the movers bothered me or my wife.”

Maddie let out a soft, disbelieving sound and shook her head.

“She wouldn’t…” She looked at the man. “My sister wouldn’t just leave without saying something to me.”

The man shrugged.

“Sorry,” he said. “She didn’t leave any sort of note or anything if someone came looking for her.” He glanced briefly at Eddie and then back to Maddie. “Got the feeling she didn’t want anyone to know. Sorry again.”

Eddie watched as the man turned, stepped back into his apartment and shut the door. When he turned to Maddie he wasn’t surprised to find her with her phone in hand.

She stood there a moment, letting the call ring and then let out a frustrated sound as Buck’s voicemail picked up.

“Evan, it’s Maddie. I just want to talk. Please, please call me back.”

As Maddie hung up she bit her lip, tears starting to roll silently down her cheeks and Eddie had to turn away, feeling cold and nauseas and unable to believe what had just happened.

Buck, without a word of warning or goodbye, was gone.

She was gone.


End file.
